Welcome! Oh what a week it has been for me. I hope it’s going awesome for you.
It has been a while since I posted, and I didn’t want you all to think that I had gone away for long. This blog is often about me coming to realizations. Sometimes they take a while to gel. 🙂
I started this post earlier in the summer but it is still completely relevant to what is going on for me right now. I feel like this post should start off with a big sigh. So much has been happening that brings spiritual ideas into a personal context.
So here is the start of it —
My youngest daughter visited me for several weeks this summer. It has been wonderful to have her staying. She and her sister have, in years past, come every summer for a few weeks, and I enjoy it a lot. Now that my oldest is busy with more and more responsibilities, she is coming less. However, my youngest, fourteen now, is still coming up for longer visits. I really enjoy the opportunity to see her coming into her own definition of herself. As I watch her I take the same time to reflect on myself and my life.
I have been doing A Course in Miracles since May. I’m struck today by Lesson 29 as I’m currently going through the review lessons. Lesson 29 is “God is in Everything I See.” The realization that comes from these lessons is “I don’t have to have it right — I can just be a conduit of love”.
So one thing I’ve been experiencing is a sense of relief, even when things are not going according to plan.
My seminar on work/life balance which I did this summer gave me a lot of things to think about. I’m very excited about the opportunities that come from being open to building things like the seminar. I can tell that this path of sharing my observations and lessons is in alignment with my highest and best. However, my ego wants me to create a timeline for a business, build a following on the internet, and construct a complex tapestry to base my self worth upon. The enormity of it can get overwhelming. I have for many years based on my self-worth and validation upon achievements.
Today I know achievement for me has nothing to do with self-worth. A Course In Miracles is helping me in many ways to see that, even thought my ego wants me to be special and to not be good enough all at the same time. When I’m grounded and feeling good, I know the truth is that I’m actually neither. I’m neither special nor not-good enough. I am that I am.
When I realize that achievements I conduct, comments of others, perceptions I have, and beliefs I hold don’t actually impact my self worth, I’m struck kind of dumb. My brain sits quietly. My mind wanders from topic to topic. Sometimes my ego pipes up a bit and I gently guide it back to quiet. I find myself most often in this state when I’m meditating.
When I first started working on this post I wanted to talk about my work at Nuance. I wanted to talk about the lessons I’ve learned this year by letting go of some fears. But when I come out of meditation and think about these things, they seem so inconsequential to me. They are like the ripples of a pebble thrown into the ocean, compared with the awesome size and power of the tides.
When I return to old ways of thinking and the constructs of my ego, I find myself convinced of my own knowledge, beliefs, and judgements. This week I found myself living partly in that ego world of accomplishment, right vs. wrong, judging, and losing track of good feelings. I found myself being angry at someone for the wrongs I believed they had done to me and mine.
I am feeling no shame about anything that happened, but I wanted to share here that relative to how I want to live, these feelings of frustration, self-defense, and retribution do not serve me. They do not help me let go of the past, let go projections of the future, and return to the moment To help ground myself and live free of this anger I’ve been really focusing on three things:
- The neutrality of all things.
- The realization that my physical self is a mere sliver of my higher self.
- God is in everything and everyone, equally and fully.
Let me expand on each of these and what effect is has for me to focus on them.
The Neutrality of All Things
On this blog before you’ve heard me talk about judgements and the right to have them. You’ve also heard me talk about how our perceptions define our reality but are not reality. This idea is an extension of that.
The assumption here is that all things are neutral and without judgement of being either good or bad in their inherent nature. It is not until I apply relation to them that they become good or bad. It is only when my desires are in alignment with the higher good and my true purpose that the correct relative judgements come into alignment with my goals. I believe this is what is meant by many aspects of manifestation. I create what I desire, and when my desires are in conflict I create things that may not meet my intention nor be in my best interest.
I can know that I am in alignment with my highest and best when I do not attach negative “meaning” to things or events. Negative Feelings in reaction to things provide me an important wake up call to how I’m living my life. When my feelings are negative, it is a realization that I’m creating something I actually don’t want.
The Realization that my Physical Self is a Mere Sliver of My Higher Self
I have been using a statement for years now — “I am a spiritual being having a physical experience”. This is an extension of that. I am a spiritual being, of which a very small part is having a physical experience. The greater portion of who I really am is awesome in comparison to my ego’s understanding of it. My ego would believe that it is to my reality as the sun is to the earth, when in reality the ego is the smallest ray of light from the sun that is the nature of my creator and my higher self.
This realization brings everything into a new context for me.
Recently I went to a presentation by Dr. Neil Degrasse Tyson. Dr. Tyson’s presentation was on taking a “Cosmic Context”. His comments were helping people look at their decision-making process relative to the context we normally take.
I believe that by changing my mental context, I change the way I look at things. By changing the way I look at things I change the way I react to them. They become less critical, less urgent, and less impactful on my life.
The freedom from immediate reaction is such a blessing. Now I can process, reflect, forgive, show compassion, and prioritize my thinking, beliefs, and possible actions before I determine what to do.
As I reflect on my purpose here in this physical life and take the context of this lifetime in light of the belief that I am, in reality, a being of a much grander scale, I find it is far easier to remain feeling good.
God is in Everything and Everyone, Equally and Fully.
With a new perspective and realization of my judgements and feelings, I am ready for a context with which to conduct my life. A context that takes me along a new realization, a realization that life is not meaningless. Life is not a bump in the road of my eternal existence to be lived as small, simply, and quickly as possible. Instead I am here for a purpose. I am infused with God and the power of creation.
I am here to create — to create a world that reflects best who and what I truly am, to experience the power of creation and exploration together, to discover and create with others in the duality of this physical lifetime.
To adopt this new context for my life I have to first come to believe that I am infused with God. This is the final blow to my ego. My ego can “let” me act like his perceptions are not reality. He can “let” me believe a mental model of myself as a higher being but he absolutely cannot let me be an extension of God, for if I and everyone else is but an extension of God, then ego is nothing. If no separation truly exists between me and everyone else then the ego doesn’t really exist at all.
This is where my ego fights for its life. It fights to maintain the belief that I have individual impact on the world, am in special relationship to others, know things others do not, have skills others do not, and am ultimately special, and thus have value as a result of these aspects of myself.
But if God is in everything and everyone equally and fully, then ultimately there is nothing special about me, because I am part of all that is special. I am filled with the holy light and glory of God. I am that I am and there is nothing to diminish me for I cannot be diminished, nor raised up, in this life.
I can reject these knowings and live in separation from the reality of my true existence. I can define an ego-based reality where I am special, hated, loved, put down, diminished, built up, trained, hurt, wronged, helped, supported, encouraged, disappointed, and on and on.
But I think that is a lot of hard work. I think I’m going to go with the simpler reality that feels complete and loving. I’ll just go with, I am that I am.
May each of you all and together find the serenity that is being and the wisdom to discover your true value and inclusion into all that is. You are that you are and I value you for your place alongside me in the family that is ours.